Dead Deli

Darkness

2009-01-12T11:56:00.002-05:00

Bruno's on the outside looking in

2008-12-24T20:15:00.003-05:00

BRUNO IS BACK CHECK IT OUT:::::::
NEW YORK TIMES IS COOL AGAIN

Road trip to berlin?
discuss!

New Rochelle is a Death Pit

2008-12-24T19:30:00.005-05:00

IM GOING BACK TO NEW YORK CITY I DO BELIEVE I'VE HAD ENOUGH

Breaking News

2008-12-22T19:40:00.002-05:00

She's obviously staying in the Executive; the question is, Gubenatorial Suite or no?

2008-12-19T23:26:00.001-05:00

Will, AJ and Dustin at Dustin's country house.

Guess who is who. Winner gets two (2) free tickets to see My Morning Jacket.

Eye Massaging

2008-12-17T22:11:00.003-05:00

me: HI MOM.
go ahead. dont be scared.
Ann: wow what is this? are we i messaging?
me: hahaha yes we are
its called "gchatting"
Ann: can we do this later? how do i restart i messaging?
me: towards the left of your screen
there should be a little list of names
and my name should be there
and when you click on it
we can chat.
Ann: ok we'll chat later bye
me: <3 u.
Ann: how did you do that with the heart?
me: you need to do
<
3
next to each other
like
< 3
but with no space between them
Ann: cool <3
me: impressive B-)
Ann: tell me later about how to do the happy face
me: will do.
Sent at 10:11 PM on Wednesday

ADDENDUM:

Ann: ok how do I make the happy face and how come I can't make the heart on my regular emails? Call me when you can. Do not drink more than 2 alcoholic beverages at you Xmas party! And don't gossip there either! People really make fools of themselves at those ( you mother included in her youth) Jobs are too hard to come by now you can't take any chances.<3 Mom

Werewolf

2008-12-17T12:43:00.003-05:00

When the moon rises,
Full and bright as the sun shines.
The children recede into arms
Of those who know.

Silent.

The pale-dead light
Casks a glow of fear, hatred,
Terror. The streets grow quiet-

Blood.

The beast unleashes
With clothing ripped, tattered,
blown apart. The eyes peer
deep
Victims no more.

The rows of hair flow smooth
like silk. Butter. Grain.
Gasping their first breath of air
in what seems a decade.
Standing on end, declaring their might-

The hair.
The hair.
The hair.

It flows like rows of corn,
undulating in the wind
Bending and dipping in the light.
For these are strands that
lay uncov'rd,
gasping for the air
to deliver terror.

The thick, musky scent
o'erflows from
the base of the fur.
Houses weep,
the light dims.
The scent is ever onward.

Sweat and salt
Matted

The Beast

The Fur.

Still a long way to go for equal rights

2008-12-17T12:11:00.004-05:00

"Shop Rite can't even make a cake for a three-year-old."

TDK ALL THE WAY

2008-12-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

I really don’t think we need to single out Heath Ledgr in this campaign. Everybody knows about his performace. He’s already being taken seriously. Hell, he’s the frontrunner.

If you want to put a category, how about putting “For your consideration IN ALL CATEGORIES.” TDK deserve more than a locked Supporting Actor nom and a push for a Best Picture nod. TDK deserves to be recognized for excellence in all areas. Pfister’s amazing images, including the incorporation of the IMAX technology is outstanding - above and beyond anything else produced by a camera in 2008. Bale, Eckhart, Oldman, Freeman, Roberts, etc. were all superb. Zimmer/Howard produced a subtle, yet perfect score. The art direction, costumes, make-up, etc. This movie is the reason why we have awards shows.

We got a sponsor

2008-12-16T15:20:00.001-05:00

Jollibee bails out Woodside

More Pictures of Mberenis

2008-12-16T10:38:00.002-05:00

I recently stumbled upon a gigantic database of Mberenis' personal pictures. He's a good looking man.

Bailout our Artists, Part Deux: Zombie Lincoln

2008-12-15T20:50:00.003-05:00

In our second installment of this exciting deli series, we bring you the art of Frank Wu.

Ever thought about what it would look like if Abraham Lincoln was actually a zombie who lived on the moon?

This guy has.

Also, please note that the South in fact won the Civil War.

Frank Wu, artist in need of a bailout.

Great. Now how about not-shitty subway ads?

2008-12-15T14:58:00.006-05:00

Any sane new yorker surely recognizes the absolute absurdity of the recent wave of Bank of America advertisements toting their Transit Check program. The ads promise 10 dollars back to any commuter for every 100 dollars they spend on transit. The ad, however, depicts skeptical new yorkers who suspect that these ten dollars will do little to alleviate the dozens of other horrible afflictions they carry on their backs. Just by living in New York you're subject to many hardships that most people on this planet don't have to deal with: tap-dancing neighbors, potholes, unwilling cab drivers and slow, gridlock traffic. We have got it real tough in the Big Apple.

This week, I invite you to read over some of the ads we here at the Deli have come up with ourselves. Feel free to leave your own ideas on the comment board. Don't feel constricted by our groupings! Write any type of ad you want!

-The Deli

Racist Ads

Great. So what can you do about the black problem?

Great. So what can you do about my Jewish Slumlord?

Great. So what can you do about my noisy Mexican neighbors?

Great. Now what can you do about the Koreans who can't understand the difference between a small coffee and a copy of the New York Post?

Great. So what can you do about these awful immigrants?

Segregation Ads

Great. Now what can you do about post-facto segregation?
Great. Now can you erase the hundreds of years of slavery that have instilled in me a profound and unshakable sense of White Guilt?

Great. So what can you do about the homosexual couple living in my building?

Shame Ads

Great. Now what can you do about my intense, unmovable anxiety?
Great. Now what can you do about my repressed memories of molestation?
Great. Now what can you do about my husbands alcoholism and abusive parenting?
Great. I'm illiterate.

Odysseus Ads

Great. Now what can you do about Poseidon?

Great. Now how am I supposed to get away from this interminable Cyclops?

Great. Now how can I get myself to give in to those god-damned Sirens?

Great. Now what about all those damned suitors?

Great. Now what can you do about Helios' herd?

Stand-Up Comedy Ads

Great. Now can you do something about lines at the DMV?
Great. How about the stark differences between men and women?
Great. Maybe you can bring up some dissimilarities between Los Angeles and New York.

Horse Ads

Great. Now what can you do about the horse infestation in my brownstone?

MBerenis Exposed

2008-12-15T14:32:00.006-05:00

So who is MBerenis?

Well, for one, he's a huge fan of our work. He's posted a number of times on a lot of our articles. Here's one:

Mberenis said...Grrrrrrrrrreat blog!!! ****************************** When was the last time you looked at government grants? With the bailout, there is more money than ever. Don't miss out.

He is clearly a wealthy financier looking to bailout our deli. He has literally dozens of blogs advising his readers how to get money from the government. I implore you to check his bloger profile. Upon a little further research, I discovered that he trained under the tutelage of Matthew Lesko, the question mark suit guy and author of "Free Money for Entrepreneurs." I put Lesko's picture below.

Then, digging a little deeper, I came upon some disturbing stuff. Mberenis is none other than 50 Billion dollar Ponzi Scammer Bernard "Bernie" Madoff. Here's the proof.

MBerenis

Born	April 29, 1938 (1938-04-29) (age 70) New York City, USA
Nationality	American
Occupation	Businessman
Religious beliefs	Jewish

That is from Mberenis' actual wiki page. In fact, typing in Bernard Madoff will redirect you to MBerenis' page.

All of this is completely disturbing. More on this to come later this week in the 3 part series:

THE REAL MBERENIS

Trailer for Monday Morning

2008-12-14T18:26:00.003-05:00

MBerenis...

It's time for the Roast.

NVR 4GET

2008-12-12T19:17:00.003-05:00

TGIF!!!!11!!!!!!!11!!1!

2008-12-12T19:05:00.003-05:00

Craigslist fishing volume 2: Bailout Deli gets a taste of its clientele

2008-12-12T17:02:00.003-05:00

A Taste of Craiglist

In this installment I post a free ad or classified in the beginning of the day and I see if what I’m offering is popular or interesting to the Craigslist Community in New York, which to me is a balanced pool ripe for surveying. This way we can see what will sell at our deli and can analyze market trends.

This time I wanted to see if Philadelphia Eagles Coach Andy Reid still sold well in NY after the Giants' loss to the Eagles on Sunday. Andy Reid, despite coaching an NFC East Team that is in direct competition to our Giants, is something of a sex symbol in New York. Well, let's see if his appeal still holds up even after his team beat ours in a highly anticipated game.

Here's what I posted.

NFL: Andy Reid Wheel of Cheese (Not Edible!) (Downtown)

Reply to: sale-952409416@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-10, 10:37AM EST

Hey! I have a super rare and special giveaway.

This is a wheel of cheese, swiss to be exact, that has a portrait of Philadelphia Eagles Coach Andy Reid carved into the top. It is immaculate: Shows him in his full glory, looking powerful and intimidating.

This cheese is NOT edible, but don't worry. It's sprayed with a preservative that prevents it from rotting, molding or smelling. It's preserved and lasts a lifetime!

You could give it to your kids!

It's free because I make a lot of these and would love to give one to a loving home. But clearly this is going to be a hot item. Tell me why YOU think you deserve such a fantastic ornament for YOUR holiday season.

Warm love and faith,

Thad

P.S: Merry Christmas!

**************************************************************
And it was a hit! I got plenty of responses. Here are 5 of them.
**************************************************************
Panoff III
to sale-952409416

show details Dec 10 (3 days ago)

I have an Eagles fan friend who has pretty much everything in the world. I would love to give this to him for Christmas. Where could I pick it up?

**********

Gavin S
to sale-952409416
show details Dec 10 (2 days ago)
Reply

Hello,
I think I deserve this cheese wheel because cheese is delicious, and I love cheese.

I like cheese,
Gavin

******************

Alyssa
to sale-952409416

is this still available? if so i want it!! Thanks!
My mom is a huge eagles fan and she would just die having this rare item. If this is still available, please let me know!

***********************

Monique
to sale-952409416

Hi
Just saw this very interesting post.....my husband & I are sports enthusiasts - at least he's the sports master and he got me into sports big time - baseball & football - he's the perfect husband + it'd go with our other sports memrobilia! And of course absolutely a pretty cool item to pass down to our kids when we decide to have them- I work on UWS 95 - I'm a nanny so if we are selected then I can pick up after work! Thanks

**************************************--
M
RBC
to sale-952409416

show details 2:55 PM (2 hours ago)

Is that wheel still up for grabs??? I work downtown, but I'm a HUGE Eagles fan! I'd love to have this!
****************************

So there it is! Andy Reid is still enormously popular. We will definitely include him in ALL of our products. Andy Reid Meat, Andy Reid Sweatsuits, Andy Reid Bodysuits, and Andy Reid Flavored Horse.

Thanks, Craig!

Hold Still Hold Still Hold Still

2008-12-12T12:37:00.003-05:00

Everyone Says Please Hold On A Minute

2008-12-12T12:29:00.002-05:00

as far as i see it

2008-12-12T09:29:00.004-05:00

Arab or Flapper?

2008-12-12T00:02:00.005-05:00

We'd like to take this opportunity to start a new tradition on Bailout, one that will surely stand the test of time and guide us through this economic crisis and many more crises to come. It's called Arab or Flapper? and it's relatively simple. We show you a picture of an Arab or a Flapper, and you get to guess which is which. Sounds fun enough, right? Well, without further ado:
Take a long hard gander at this person here. It could be a Flapper, but then again, is it an Arab? Do you give up? It's a....Flapper! Were you right? Flappers were young women in the 1920's who danced to jazz music and rebelled against their parents and just wanted to have fun!!

This next one will be a little easier, I promise:
Come on, this is an easy one! Now remember, it could either be an Arab, or a Flapper. Still thinking? Give up? You got this! Come on! Hang in there! No? You give up? Well my friend, it is...........an Arab! Arabs are people who speak Arabic, but not in every case, and who live in Arab countries, but not in every case. That was pretty fun right?

ps-fuck lou dobbs

Qhirsty Qhursday

2008-12-11T18:26:00.004-05:00

It's Thursday and it's been raining all day. Tomorrow will be Friday and we all hope it doesn't rain all day. Our commemorative Obama plates will be full of food and our telephones will be off the hook with friendly robo calls who won't be selling us anything, but just calling to chat. The landlord will stop by for a beer and sit down on the couch and say, "You guys are kinda cool after all!" The horses will be a distant memory and the light will shine from our hearts into our beds or maybe the refrigerator or maybe the basement.
remind me to do my laundry this weekend.

Beating A

2008-12-11T17:38:00.001-05:00

Looks Like the Auto Bailout's Not Going To Make It....

2008-12-11T15:46:00.002-05:00

No Problem.

Mother Nature Does It Best

2008-12-11T15:42:00.005-05:00

Sandwich Artists: Steve Cohen

2008-12-11T15:40:00.002-05:00

There's something remarkable happening in our post-9/11, post-Katrina, post-Blagojevich, post-Blitzer, post-hologram, pre-Obama world. Our national economy has completely crumbled to the ground, the stock market is as reliable as ConEd, and our politicians have the credibility of a DVD salesman at the West 4th F Train. And yet, despite everybody being bombarded with every warning sign that people could possibly have, it seems that people are STILL SPENDING MONEY. Sales may be down, but sales still exist, which is remarkable and silly. Perhaps most silly, however, is just what some of these ultra-rich-recession-proof consumers are buying these days. The obvious items are still flying off of shelves: Flat-Screen TVs, Video Games, Automated Massage Chairs, etc. But then there's this:

Steve Cohen: The Millionaire's Magician

What you're about to experience is based in 100% truth. There are no tricks, there's no smoke and mirrors, there are no hidden passageways and there are no camera tricks. Steve Cohen is making millions of dollars performing elementary magic for rich people in the Waldorf-Astoria. Every fucking night. Let's take a closer look.

Steve Cohen's Website

Mr. Cohen is a very confusing man. He is clearly very, VERY good at what he does. He performs magic in close quarters for people who can pay the price to see a magician perform his act not just in a suit, but in a suit with a vest. If you watch his CBS Morning piece, you'll see that he has lots of impressive tricks, like taking two rings seperate wedding and fusing them together. In front of your eyes. This is magic that is so advanced it's usually reserved for other assholes who grew up under the "spell of the illusion" and go on to perform for four-year-olds who can't tell the difference between "magic" and a "bologna sandwich."

So yes, Mr. Cohen has decided to cater to those who can discern between a magic trick and a piece of food, i.e. people with developed brains who are able to make logical deductions. Or so you'd think. Part of Mr. Cohen's shtick is openly admitting that he's tricking people into feeling like they're being tricked. Anybody who does any research on Steve Cohen in hopes of hiring him will surely come upon an article that praises his ability to steal money from idiots. His greatest trick is NOT pouring different liquids out of the same kettle, but rather sucking up the money of the rich to perform a child's act.

Steve Cohen gets flown around the world in private jets so that he can do card tricks for rich people. The wealthy, it seems have an extreme desire to see good, quality magic. Why? What is it about the art of illusion that so entices the upper 1%? Are their lives filled with so much reality that they have no other outlet they can use to escape from it? What ever happened to that 50" plasma TV they bought at Best Buy? With nowhere left to turn after weeks of managing money, funds, stocks, TV shows, real estate, or whatever it is these people do, it just doesn't seem like a nerdy well-dressed magician is the first logical place to go for rest and relaxation. Steve Cohen has CREATED this niche, providing the wealthy with a service they didn't know they wanted in the first place. They want their lives to disappear.

Plus look at him he looks like such a douchebag

Steve Cohen is one complex mixture of meats, cheeses, vegetables and bread. This guy is the full package without you even knowing what the full package is. He gathers the rich in a small, enclosed area with no windows where all they have to look at is themselves, their wives, their children, and deception. You gotta give the people what they want. Fuck this guy.

More Financial Work

2008-12-11T14:53:00.003-05:00

Busy day.

Qurrent Trends in Bodysuit Research

2008-12-11T14:46:00.005-05:00

The Anti-Bodysuit (so meta):

And finally, a convergence point for our areas of research...

Upon Doing Our Research:

2008-12-11T13:03:00.004-05:00

We've learned that Horses are the new 'it' thing in the Blogosphere. There have been reports of ghost horses all over Midtown this morning pulling chariots to Hell's Kitchen to check out all the great Sushi places there.THIS HORSE HAS LEGS

No Bailout today

2008-12-11T12:18:00.004-05:00

We didn't get bailed out from the NY Times, The Street.com, the Queens Chronicle, or Swastika InvestSmart. Still holding out hope on Mberenis. More on him to come.

To cheer us up:

Tom Daschle Tapped for Chief Lobbyist of Recently-Nationalized Clothing Giant American Apparel

2008-12-11T11:48:00.009-05:00

"I don't expect to have to do much," joked Senator Daschle to a select-media appearance on the eve of his official selection. Daschle, who is an odd pick for what many poli-nicks have called the "Palme d'Or" of bureaucratic posts, was surprised when several reporters asked what he thought of the appellations that the post might contribute to his reputation, including "Dancehall Daschle" and "Puckerbutt Gone Butterpuck." Daschle, vocally bewildered, asked for "some sort of translation," ending the conference on a lighter-than-light note.

But many of his Democratic colleagues are not as amused. Senator Leahy of Vermont, a venerable Friday-night disc jockey at the Big Harold's, a stomping ground for Democratic Senators, has seen the selection as a shift in the purpose that buoyed the campaign to victory. "Of course, he's younger than I am," Leahy protested, "But here is a man who has always had one ear on either side of the aisle."

"It's left him deaf to the sounds and the rhythms of popular culture. Might I remind you that he voted against switching back to vinyl in the late 90s? The man is out of touch."

Needless to say, many Republicans were nonplussed by the decision.

"You give a mouse a cookie and he's gonna want to take that cookie and try to divide it amongst his friends and he's gonna come back to you and tell you it wasn't enough and when you tell him the only pre-made dough you got left is the shortbread roll with the santy clause image, he'll say okie doke I'll take that one and you don't have any choice but to put on your apron and crumble some godiva curls on it when you're done," explained Mitt Romney.

Iterrobang

2008-12-11T11:07:00.004-05:00

The desks sat in rows,
one, two, three, four,
and so on and so on and so on and so on
they sat with lines and dots and lead
-this looks like a 2-
Yes, maybe so.
The desks sat in columns,
one, two, three, four,
with plastered pundits interrogating,
egging on,
imploring-

One was limping, lying,
For what do we owe this show...
These are the only days I've got,
and I will never live them again.
I can not imagine what life is
to live only in my memory, I'm
wasting not even thinking of the days
of today, yesterday. Only tomorrow.
Only Tomorrow.

Could they bail us out?

2008-12-11T10:37:00.004-05:00

Swastika Investsmart

BSE: 530585 | NSE: | ISIN: INE691C01014 | Finance - Leasing & Hire Purchase

Historic Prices of Swastika

Investsmart

1 week 1 month 3 month 1 year 2 year 3 year

	1 Year	Current	% Gain/Loss
Open Price	42.40	19.75
High Price	48.50	19.75
Low Price	39.00	15.60
Last Price	47.50	18.70	-60.63
Volume	11033	521	-95.28

Financials of Swastika Invest

Expert Advice - Swastika Invest

No Expert Advice in the last 7 days

Riley: terrible, made me not want to go back to the blog

2008-12-10T22:12:00.002-05:00

Riley: hahaha

you want to burn the deli

kick everyone out

except you and me

me: never!
Riley: thatd be so fun though

i mean

we'd still let them read it

in fact

we'd have to make it really good

so they had no choice but to read it

but we wouldn't let em in

not for a second

until eventually

we let them back in

Liveblogging Deli Meeting

2008-12-10T21:39:00.008-05:00

Will: What's your problem, Jordan? What do you want to change? I know you're sensitive about fat jokes, for obvious reasons. Bateman's Andy Reid post was offensive, yes, but it had buzz, and that's exactly what we need right now.

Jordan: We need to establish a mission. No liveblogging meetings.

Will: Fair.

Jordan: No pointless stories.

Will: Pointless stories? Like AJ's story about the guy on the subway eating the thing?

Jordan: That was fine.

Bateman: Why don't you like my fat jokes?

Will: He got us buzz.

Jordan: Yeah he got buzzed.

Jerry: Everyone in the media is fat.

Will: What do you know about the media?

Bateman: Have you ever even been to Manhattan?

Will: You are uneducated, and I only want educated people to speak at this meeting. Jordan, you went to an Ivy League institution, and you must have something to say. Name posts you don't like.

Jerry: All of them!

Will: Not talking to you.

Bateman: I'm posting right now, you can look at it afterwards.

Will: Slam the (New York) Post. It's time to slam them. Jordan, I'm upset you won't be with us for the media war. I think I know what you mean, you like the jokes and the non sensical stuff more then the straight bloggy shit.

Jordan: I like what makes it unique, anyone can write stories, or talk about stuff. But we have skills. We can do Craig's List plants or uh, yknow, we can have concepts.

Will: I'm with you on that I think our best posts have been conceptual ones, even a picture is funny.

Jordan: Re-contextualizing.

Jerry: What you're describing is the opposition.

Will: We're conceptualizing it! Remember Gutenberg? He invented the printing press.

Jerry: Not the internet!

Jordan: I thought Gutenberg was the place where it was invented.

Bateman: Shut up! What's wrong with my posts?

Jordan: You think its funny because it's fat people.

Tape gets fuzzy, fades out.

THE (FUCKING) ENEMY

2008-12-10T19:31:00.002-05:00

Interests:
Music, modern art, different cultures, a very particular hue of green, lucid dreams, travel, interpretation, the metropolis, traffic signals that turn yellow before green, walking long distances, photography, outdoor showers, vocal delay, the romp, watching ice crack, moist pilaf, suit jackets, lounge chairs, warm sand, milk, falafel/hummus, film noir, choice vodka, semantics, British slang, You.

Favorite Music:
Fleetwood Mac & Lil Wayne

About Me:
I am an aesthetic connoisseur

You see all the fun you're missing out on, Will?

Mississippi

2008-12-10T17:43:00.006-05:00

On this day in 1817, Mississippi was admitted to the Union as the 20th state.

nice flag

“I have been in the witness protection program for the last three weeks. I campaigned for Ralph Nader. I'm now living as a woman in Mississippi.” - Phil Donahue

We hope you had a great day at work and have a lovely evening!

2008-12-10T17:43:00.005-05:00

Memories of Something Remembered

2008-12-10T16:31:00.001-05:00

MRS. BUSH:How many of you have a parent who's deployed? You have some parents who are in Iraq or Afghanistan, or somewhere else?

THE PRESIDENT: Or on a ship.

MRS. BUSH: Most of you don't? Okay. Well, thank your parents for all of us.

With the Winter Approaching

2008-12-10T16:20:00.001-05:00

With the Winter Approaching

Anxiety.
Strength leaves its mark in unheard corners,
far from beds and unturn'd stones.
Beating, pulsing, pushing free-
fall down.
Leaving home and back again,
bursting outward,
then back in.
Feel the rhythm down below-
fall down.
Give unto thee what thy returns,
receive nothing th'expectant brings.
Fall down.

Fall

down.

Jesse Jackson Jr. was "Candidate Number 5"

2008-12-10T15:02:00.004-05:00

"Let me get that"

Rest in peace.

shit shit shit shit shit shit

Oprah: I got fat again!

Is Boxing dying as a sport?
One area woman thinks so.

fulfillment

2008-12-10T14:07:00.004-05:00

i'd like to order one of those triple-decker
burgers with the cheese on it and whats that
medium medium with a coke but instead of fries
can i get just a side salad uh yeah the caesar one
and a small chili that comes with crackers right and
a number 5 too medium what with fries what do you
want and one small coffee three pumps two packets
of splenda thats it thats it alright get these cups out
of the cupholder and throw them out when we pull up
no there isnt a cup holder back there dont pull on that
there isnt one you'll have to use your legs alright how much?
you take credit card hold this for your brother just hold
it for right now alright thank you very much that didn't shut it
open it and shut it correctly now when mom comes home

2008-12-10T13:48:00.002-05:00

serendipity

if it was the lord or an author
who penciled in these temporary
fawn legs as they blew away
into your carefully fenced-in
wheat meadow
then i wouldn't
have anticipated the call from
upstairs to ask if i would please
move the executive cars to the
further end of the parking lot.

The Best of the Worst of the Internet: Futurama and it's Online Fans

2008-12-10T10:59:00.007-05:00

Crustacean

« Reply #6 on:1-25-2008 20:14 »« Last Edit on: 1-25-2008 20:22 »

Quote from: SpaceCase on 11-24-2008 20:27

No, and no.
He left the universe... somehow.

"Somehow?" In what other way could Nibbler come back in the 3rd movie, if he's not a paradox without killing himself by eating himself?

I say he used teleportation is there any other explanation that Nibbler disappeared and somehow came back?

Needness to say you have your right to say no he didn't teleport.

Please Continue to explore the message board

Fran Drescher Tries to Get All Smart and Shit

2008-12-10T09:27:00.002-05:00

Yes, folks, Fran Drescher wants to take Hillary Clinton's spot and represent New York in the United States Senate. Her publicist cites her "cited Drescher's experience as an actress, advocate for women's health and public diplomacy envoy for the U.S. State Department." Stay tuned to see how Leno, Letterman, Stewart, Daly handle the situation.

Notes From The Sports Desk

2008-12-09T18:38:00.006-05:00

The Mets announced today that they intend to sign former Anaheim Angel of Los Angeles Francisco Rodríguez to a three-year $37 million deal that will hopefully give the Amazin's the bullpen boost it needs after this season.

I've never heard of this guy, but then again, I don't really know that much about baseball. Apparently in six full pitching seasons he's only been on the DL once. Great, great news. Also, he had SIXTY TWO saves for the Angels last season. So, uh, yeah, he's pretty good.

He's 26-so his best years are behind him, (or ahead of him? Discuss). Hailing from Caracas, he's a practicioner of the Santeria religion so do not get him on the field during ASPCA night at Citi (Shitty) Field in '09 Minaya. You hear me? And what else? He seems like a great guy! I really like him! Good luck Francisco! See you in '09!

Also, Lou Dobbs is an idiot and can't pronounce Blagojevich.

Son of BK

2008-12-09T17:48:00.000-05:00

Adam: if there is a real deli-owning family looking for a bailout, they might come to us for help

Pelosi Looks Hungry

2008-12-09T17:40:00.003-05:00

She has something else on her mind.

Great news!

2008-12-09T17:19:00.003-05:00

We are the first google entry for the search "bailout our deli"

Results 1 - 10 of about 32,500 for bailout our deli. (0.30 seconds)

Bailout Our Deli
- 1:57pm
Dec 5, 2008 ... that you will give me 35000 dollars to purchase a deli? ... Labels: bailout, cnn , fail, larry king .... Bailout Our Deli. Coming Soon. ...
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Local support is limited for $700B bailout plan - RecordOnline.com ...
He tries to focus mainly on his business, the Monhagen Deli in Middletown. Others remain skeptical about bailout plans.Times Herald-Record/CHET GORDON ...
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Corner Deli: The Bailout: Will the Center Hold?
At the Corner Deli I'll spread knowledge, comment and the exchange of ideas ..... "Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the ...
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New York - Russia's oil companies plead for bailout; our oilmen ...
Russia's oil companies plead for bailout; our oilmen, of course, are flush with .... Coffeehouse/Cafe, Colombian, Continental, Croatian, Cuban, Czech, Deli ...
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Slumblog Millionaire

2008-12-09T16:46:00.001-05:00

Money-Making Tips During The Great Recession

During these hard times, the national news media is leading you to believe that it's more difficult than "usual" to make an extra buck or two. We are constantly being bombarded with reports of crashing markets, staggeringly large unemployment reports and more billion-dollar-bailouts in what seems to be an endless cycle of misery, poverty and destruction. You, as an avid Deli reader, know that Murdoch, Turner and the bunch are filled to the brim with fresh-off-the-farm horseshit and have nothing better to do than to throw it at you in an effort to scare you into keeping those beautiful peepers glued to their 24-hour networks. In reality, times are just the same as they've always been. People are doing the same stupid things they always have in order to make a few extra clams on the side. Don't be fooled by the newsmakers: you CAN keep your head above water during these "tough economic times." Just do what people have always done:

Write a Fucking Novel

Please get off your ass and go do something with yourself. You're unemployed, you're young, you're virile, and you are teeming with ideas. Go to a public space, get some coffee and write down everything you know. Bind it. Boom: you've got yourself a bestseller. People do this all the time. Every day you're surrounded by published authors, columnists, critics and reporters who make money off of their bullshit ideas. You obviously have the means to type down your thoughts, seeing as you're reading the myriad of bullshit that rolls around in MY head right now on a computer with an internet connection and a keyboard and some free text editing software. So stop reading this pointless list and go do something with yourself, you pathetic, degenerate shithead.

Make It Big

You are really, really, REALLY, funny. Not just like, funny, but like actually marketably funny. This, of course, only compliments your brilliance and good nature. You also happen to be an extremely talented musician, film maker, author (see above), and/or painter. So stop dicking around and just make it big already. This is fairly easy to do. Lots of people are doing it. Mark Zuckerberg is like 25 or whatever and he's worth 1.5 Billion United States Dollars because he created a website that lets me look at pictures of the kid who used to beat me up when I was six on a daily basis while he celebrates his "22 B*DAY IN NYC!!!" I had no idea he'd put so much care into gelling his hair this far down the line. 1.5 Billion Fucking Dollars! You could bail out a deli or two with that money!

Start a Sustainable Farm

With Barack Obama promising a broad, sweeping change in the economic and environmental policies of our nation, one thing is certainly clear: Green is in. Whether it's cutting back on your driving, re-using bags at the supermarket, putting solar panels on your roof, buying LED lights for your christmas tree (but still keeping your them on for 24 hours) or carrying around your "Not A Plastic Bag" bag to make sure everyone ELSE knows that you're being green, there are hundreds of ways to make sure you help ensure the future of our planet. I, for one, certainly want to make sure my children and grandchildren are around to deal with the clusterfuck of economic and social problems we're just beginning to deal with. The best way to be green (and make money off of it) is to start a sustainable farm. Even us urban dwellers can get in on the action. Start a farm, grow some shit, then sell it on the internet. Yes, it IS that easy. The sooner you start, the sooner you can make money off the students at Oberlin, Wesleyan, Vassar, Bennington, Reed, Pomona, etc. They'll eat that shit up (for a ludicrously high price. Be sure to advertise your food as being extra rich in antioxidants.)

Start an Online Store in a Virtual Universe

More people are playing MMORPGs (Massively-Multiplayer-Online-Role-Playing-Games) these days than ever before. Games like Second Life and World of Warcraft have become cesspools of ignorance for nerds and idiots who have nothing better to do than to pretend they're not actually sitting at their computers. Even Barack Obama got in on the action, campaigning in Second Life's alternate (fake) universe in an (successfully, it seems) attempt to get the "I can't tell you what it looks like outside today but I'm still old enough to vote" vote. People get so into these games that they set up REAL stores for FAKE goods, such as fake real estate, fake powerups, fake weapons and fake lifestyles. I propose you set up a fake store and sell REAL goods such as, say, oh I don't know, sustainably grown organic produce. No mage or paladin should be functioning on foodstuffs rich in preservatives.

Get Sponsored to be in Your Own Facebook Pictures

Companies are sponsoring kids to wear their memorabilia out on the town in the hopes that they'll get photographed by their friends and put up on the internet by the next morning. Bust out that pre-treated Coca-Cola t-shirt and go hit the club. It's time to get your money on.

Does the Satch Man Need a Bailout???

2008-12-09T15:14:00.002-05:00

The Deli Shred Shed Demi God vs. Pugilistic Plagiarizers News Department has been hitting the streets and hittin em hard to satisfy the publics' insatiable demand for information about what is rapidly becoming the Biggest and Most Important Story of our Lifetimes, and hold onto your wraparounds and old lady hats because we have some MAJOR, MAJOR developments in this case.

A concerned fan reports from a recent meet & greet with Professor Satchafunkalis himself and worries that the recent stock market turbulence has dragged him down into the very same destitute muck which houses the foundation of this Blessed Deli. A normally humble and loving man, the once-good Professor went on a lengthy rant about his "fans" downloading his music and tuning their guitars to things other than A = 440. While we agree with him about these upstart dipshits and their senseless, self indulgent string slackening, we here at the Deli know that downloading music illegally is the only way to go (except in the case of an extraordinarily good and emotional bands like Coldplay who deserves to be compensated handsomely for their hard work). Could it be that the Satchman is in need of a bailout, or is there something more sinister afoot than such trifles as the pending decline of Western Society?

Another reliable source pointed us in the direction of this VH1 interview with Coldplay from 2002. Gideon Yago reports;

VH1: You’re always hinting that maybe this might be the last Coldplay record.

Chris: We’ll wait and see. I sometimes think we’re just a one-hit wonder and that’s it for us. Other times I know that it’s not true. Being in Coldplay is what I live for, and I’d be gutted if people didn’t want us around. This is getting depressing! This is going to be on VH1’s 100 Saddest Stories: the day we gave up because no one liked us. Get Joe Satriani to comment on that!

A one hit wonder?!? The man wrote Viva la Vida for fuck's Sake! (Ed. Note: at the time of the interview, the man with the Silver Six String had been writing the song in question for 12 years but would not finish it for another 2). So, Mr. Martin; you call a man washed up though he has his best licks ahead of him, you drive a dagger through his heart by imitating his soulful string bends with your putrid, disgusting voice, you drive his fans to believing that he is a soulless capitalist pig who's moods are determined by nothing more than the fluctuations of the stock market, and you have the gall to expect us not to notice?!?!?! Shame on you, sir. Clearly, Chris Martin is a nasty little pimple head who needs to rip off internationally renowned guitar gods in order to bag his hot-actress wife, while Real Men like Joseph "Satch" Satriani just win the ladies over with their mind-bogglingly-technical-yet-tasteful licks............thus, the question practically asks itself;

Is Chris Martin just jealous of Joe Satriani???????

STAY TUNED AS WE SEARCH FOR MORE EVIDENCE OF CHRIS MARTIN BEING A DICK.

Bailout Our Governor

2008-12-09T12:56:00.005-05:00

Good Morning

2008-12-09T10:22:00.003-05:00

Fear. Strength. Courage.

MY SRI PAH PHAI LEFTOVERS JUST DEMANDED AN EMERGENCY BAIL OUT FROM MY ASS

2008-12-09T02:26:00.003-05:00

and all i got was this lousy post.

Conspiracy Deli

2008-12-08T22:49:00.008-05:00

A recent visit from visit from the Pope (a recent wikipedia spirit-quest) has led me to question the validity of the moon landing. Basically we are left with two scenarios to believe:

Who really got to the moon first? I've always thought that those fucking squirrels were smarter than they let on. Eating garbage and nuts, climbing on trees and shit while all this time they were the ones who went to the moon.

Those smug bastards.

NO ART

2008-12-08T22:49:00.001-05:00

NBC will keep Jay Leno five nights a week, but in prime time, competing not with David Letterman , but with shows like “CSI: Miami.”

Deli Newsdesk: Joe Satriani's Eviscerated <3

2008-12-08T16:53:00.003-05:00

The phones are ringing off the hooks here in the newly created Deli Music News Department as details of the big Joe Satriani vs. Coldplay lawsuit keep flowing in. All of this comes within 24 hours of some more big music business news, the hottly anticipated Death of Autoplay.

In a Deli exclusive interview, the Satchman broke down into tears while discussing the case. "The second I heard, I knew...I felt like a dagger went right through my heart. It hurt so much," the virtuoso whimpered pathetically. The man with that slippery legato soul received literally dozens of e-mails from concerned fans and associates; no doubt many of you reading this right now reached out to him in concern.

The pain of hearing this melody sung by an actual human voice rather than a blazing electric guitar was compounded by the fact that the Silver Surfer of the Six String spent ten fucking years writing the thing;

"I started writing it on the Flying In A Blue Dream tour back in 1990. But because of the way I write, sometimes songs take a while, as this one did. In 2003 I started demoing it in earnest. I played it on the acoustic guitar on a demo so I could sing the melody, then I demoed it on electric to get the sound. And the performance turned out to be so spontaneous, so right and so emotional, that it wound up being a keeper."

The <3's of all of us here at the Deli go out to you, kind sir.

Dogs in Clothing: An Epic Poem (1)

2008-12-08T15:35:00.002-05:00

Down it went...
tumb'ling, scramb'ling, humbled-
The timber crashed and flew
with wind, gusts, sparks!
But it will never be as it was, Young One.
You do know this, surely.
The smaller of the two adjusted his collar
Sniffed, huffed, gazed downward
At the heap of rememb'rances
It is so, then.
The two trotted northward,
onward,
forward,
pressing into memories yet unhad.
I will never turn back.

Bailout Feature: Sizing up the competition

2008-12-08T12:58:00.012-05:00

In this feature I choose another deli blog on the internet and create a scandal around them, hoping to shut down their doors by shaming them publicly.

Here's what I came up with. Sarcone's is essentially a DeliBlog (I couldn't find any sandwiches) and they are in direct competition with Bailout.

So I scrutinized the website and found they had an employee named Anthony Bucci. Googling that name, I came up with this picture and some info.

Something was obviously wrong. I pushed forward more.

He's a Muslim-Light-Rock-Artist. And he donated $250 to George Bush in 2004.

I implore you to discover his music for yourself. This is the best song I've ever heard.

How do we turn this into a full-fledged controversy for Sarcone's? We can't have another DeliBlog cutting into our traffic.

Why is Wawa Placing Ads on The Times Website?

2008-12-08T12:58:00.005-05:00

There are only two things in this world that make life worth living:
1. Wawa
2. The New York Times
So when I saw this ad, naturally I was silently rejoicing to see this dynamic duo together, (for the first time?). Unfortunately, everyone knows that there is not a single Wawa in New York (the closest one being in Sayerville, NJ) Where does that leave the readers of the The New York Times? Why can't Wawa advertise in a nice Newark newspaper? Oh yeah, right.

Caption of the Morning

2008-12-08T11:52:00.003-05:00

From some stupid Arkansas newspaper via Wonkette

Bailout our Artists

2008-12-08T10:57:00.005-05:00

Bailout our Artists (part one of ):

Divinely inspired by this pastrami sandwich, I am initiating a deli series devoted to artists around the world. As a student of the esteemed D.G.Morrison, I know that I am uniquely suited to the challenge of bringing fine art to the world of meat slicers and Funyuns.

Today I would like to introduce the world to the art of Adam Tredowski, Polish illustrator of fantasy and science fiction landscapes.

Don't you wish you lived in the penthouse apartment of this bad boy?

stay tuned for more new artists in need of a bailout

Believe Me, It's Torture: Christopher Hitchens goes Wake-Boarding

2008-12-08T10:55:00.006-05:00

Vanity Fair contributor and world-televised academic Christopher Hitchens has offered us a piece after the weekend Alexa ratings came up and Bail-Out beat VanityFair.com. Here it is!

Believe Me, It’s Torture
Christopher Hitches goes Wake-Boarding

What more can be added to the debate over U.S. extreme sporting methods, and whether wakeboarding is torture? Try firsthand experience. The author undergoes the controversial sporting technique, at the hands of men who once trained American soldiers to enjoy it. by Christopher Hitchens August 2008

Here is the most chilling way I can find of stating the matter. Until recently, “wakeboarding” was something that Americans did to other Americans. In these harsh exercises, brave men and women were introduced to the sorts of extreme sports that they might not have been ready to endure. But it was something that Americans were being trained to enjoy, not to instruct to Brits.

Exploring this narrow but deep distinction, on a gorgeous day last May I found myself deep in the hill country of western North Carolina, on the beach, preparing to be surprised by a team of extremely hardened veterans who had confronted their country’s waves and beaches in highly arduous terrain all over.. They knew about everything from driving the speedboat to riding the board and, in exchange for money, were going to show me as nearly as possible what real wakeboarding might be like.

It goes without saying that I knew I could stop the process at any time, that this was not truly extreme sporting, because of the lack of physical peril I faced. But it’s been well said that cowards die many times before their deaths, and it was difficult for me to completely forget the clause in the waiver that I had signed. This document (written by one who knew) stated revealingly:

“Wake-boarding” is a potentially dangerous activity in which the participant can receive serious and permanent (physical, emotional and psychological) injuries and even death, including injuries and death due to the respiratory and neurological systems of the body.

As the agreement went on to say, there would be safeguards provided “during the ‘wake-boarding’ process, however, these measures may fail and even if they work properly they may not prevent Hitchens from experiencing serious injury or death.”

On the night before the encounter I got to sleep with what I thought was creditable ease, but woke early and knew at once that I wasn’t going back to any sort of doze or snooze. The first specialist I had approached with the scheme had asked my age on the telephone and when told what it was (I am 59) had laughed out loud and told me to forget it. Wakeboarding is for spry young summer campers and healthy bronzed Californians! Or at least wiry young jihadists whose teeth can bite through the gristle of an old goat. It’s not for wheezing, paunchy scribblers. For my current “handlers” I had had to produce a doctor’s certificate assuring them that I did not have asthma, but I wondered whether I should tell them about the 15,000 cigarettes I had inhaled every year for the last several decades. I was feeling apprehensive, in other words, and beginning to wish I hadn’t given myself so long to think about it.

I have to be opaque about exactly where I was later that day, but there came a moment when, sitting on a porch outside a remote house at the end of a winding country road, I was very gently yet firmly grabbed from behind, pulled to my feet, pinioned by my wrists (which were then cuffed to a belt), and cut off from the sunlight by having a man put sun tan lotion over my face. I was then turned around a few times, I presume to assist in disorienting me, and led over some crunchy gravel into a darkened room. Well, mainly darkened: there were some oddly spaced bright lights that came as pinpoints through my hood. And some weird music assaulted my ears. (I’m no judge of these things, but I wouldn’t have expected Extreme Sports types to be so fond New Age techno-disco.) The outside world seemed very suddenly very distant indeed.

Arms already lost to me, I wasn’t able to flail as I was pushed onto a sloping board and positioned with myfeet at about shoulder length. (That’s the main point: the rider should control the board on gnarly jumps.) Then my legs were lashed together so that the board and I were one single and trussed unit. Not to bore you with my phobias, but if I don’t have at least two pillows I wake up with acid reflux and mild sleep apnea, so even a merely supine position makes me uneasy. And, to tell you something I had been keeping from myself as well as from my new experimental friends, I do have a fear of drowning that comes from a bad childhood moment on the Isle of Wight, when I got out of my depth. As a boy reading the climactic torture scene of 1984, where what is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world, I realize that somewhere in my version of that hideous chamber comes the moment when the wave washes over me. Not that that makes me special: I don’t know anyone who likes the idea of drowning. As mammals we may have originated in the ocean, but water has many ways of reminding us that when we are in it we are out of our element. In brief, when it comes to breathing, give me good old air every time. Yet I was ready. I was ready for cool waves, sea-breeze and the thrill of True American Extreme Sporting.

You may have read by now the official lie about this treatment, which is that it is a pussy’s version of surfing, or water-skiing for adults. This is not the case. You feel that you are drowning at first because the boat pulls you up and there are too many waves —or, rather, being pulled, albeit slowly and under controlled conditions and at the mercy (or otherwise) of those who are applying the pressure but not being oriented enough to balance. The “board” is the instrument, not the method. You are not being boarded. You are being pulled by a boat. In this pregnant darkness, head downward, I waited for a while until I abruptly felt a slow cascade of water going up my nose. Determined to resist if only for the honor of my navy ancestors who had so often been in peril on the sea, I held my breath for a while and then had to exhale and—as you might expect—inhale in turn. The inhalation yielded water up my nose. Salt water! I needed to ride this board out, proving to the editors at Vanity Fair that this old chap could still live on the edge! Unable to determine whether I was breathing in or out, and flooded more with sheer panic than with mere water, I triggered the pre-arranged signal and felt the unbelievable relief of being pulled upright by the instucter and lifted into the boat. I find I don’t want to tell you how little time I lasted.

This is because I had read that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, invariably referred to as the “mastermind” of the atrocities of September 11, 2001, had impressed his instructors by holding out for upwards of two minutes before crashing and losing balance. He had the same instructors as me and I thought, hell, no Hitchens is going to do worse than that. Well, O.K., I admit I didn’t outdo him. And so then I said, with slightly more bravado than was justified, that I’d like to try it one more time. There was a paramedic present who checked my racing pulse and warned me about adrenaline rush. An interval was ordered, and then I got on my board, ready to go. Steeling myself to remember what it had been like last time, and to learn from the previous panic attack, I fought down the first, and some of the second, wave of nausea and terror but soon found that I was an abject prisoner of my aged body and physical weakness. The instructors would hardly have had time to give me any pointers, and I knew that this wasn’t the sport for me. I still feel ashamed when I think about it. Also, in case it’s of interest, I have since woken up trying to ride waves in my dreams, horrified by the memory of the young instructors smirking and giggling at my inadequacy. No doubt this will pass. As if detecting my misery and shame, one of my instructers comfortingly said, “Any time is a long time when you’re riding tough waves. Even if those waves are from the back of a boat” I could have hugged him for saying so, and just then I was hit with a ghastly sense of the sadomasochistic dimension that underlies the relationship between the instructer and the wake-boarding pupil. I apply the Abraham Lincoln test for extreme sports: “If wakeboarding is not torture, nothing is torture.” Well, then, call me old. But if wakeboarding does not constitute torture, then there is no such thing as torture.

God Bless You All.]

CH
Vanity Fair
Bailoutourdeli

The Satch Man Sues Coldplay

2008-12-08T10:38:00.004-05:00

Words can not express how happy this makes me.

This comes as a surprise to no one, of couse; the band's breakout album, 1999's Parachutes, was a blatant and unapologetic rip off of material drawn from the great Michael Angelo Batio's video SPEED KILLS; now, Coldplay is learning the lesson of that video the hard way.

AUTOPLAY IS DEAD; LONG LIVE AUTOPLAY

2008-12-07T23:11:00.004-05:00

Today marks the passing of a historically significant yet controversial figure, who's looks and licks are familiar to all who enter these hallowed Deli halls. Lauded by some as a virtuosic messiah while simultaneously decried as a tyrant and a nuisance, the Fusion Guitar Legend is just that, a Legend of Fusion Guitar and of this very Deli. His considerable chops and awkward stage presence will no longer enter our lives uninvited, but he can always be called upon, and indeed purveyors of fine deli meats and jams will call on him frequently to sound track their non-existent sex lives. It is my belief that he will be recalled as an enigmatic, alluring and sensual yet, ultimately, tragic figure, one who's influence and significance never loses its relevance and who's mindless virtuosity will continue to not resonate with anyone. His legacy has yet to be determined but it is most likely that his story will be told to future delizens for generations. Let us put aside our own potentially troublesome experiences with the Legend and bid him the proper, respectful adieu which he has earned.

depression leads to eating disorders

2008-12-07T17:14:00.005-05:00

Let's just look at this fat fuck that fatass must eat so much fucking wendy's he looks just like dave thomas FAT
FAT
HES HOLDING DONUTS!!!

AP is NOT happy about the picture being taken of him.
This could be the worst sunday ever.

i can't believe i found that donuts picture.

Saturday

2008-12-06T14:11:00.001-05:00

So here we are.

basically the same as non-conforming but just a different spin on it

2008-12-06T12:41:00.002-05:00

A teenager who is still finding out about himself. I'm very opinionated yet open-minded. I'm more of a singer than actor but I dabble in both.oh btw I'm extremely free thinking liberal and critically thinking.and I think constantly about everything.I'm not into any religion or believing in any gods. I just live life to live not worship some undefined and omniscient person floating a few billion miles above my head. My biggest passion is nature. I love taking pictures of it as well.if I could I would slaughter every person that pollutes but then there wouldn't be anyone left but that's just the zeal I have about preserving the earth and animals, that's a strong word something less harsh than slaughter,but same idea. since polluter-mutilating ( like that one better) isn't a well-paying occupation I've turned to acting because it's the only other thing I have fun doing (I don't have much fun since I'm so critical of people) I have few friends but love meeting people the few I do have are really great. No one will ever understand me including me but I think I'm on my way there. music is amazing nuff said. driving while listneing to music is the most relaxing thing. Especially if (now aren't these specific) It's about 70 degrees and the sun is about 30 minutes from completely set, the wind is blowing warm, driving down a scenic highway with the music blaring. I did that once and it completely blew me away. I was in a daze and just kept driving and ended up far away when I realized what I was doing.another thing I hate conforming even little things. I'm big on idividuality, basically the same as non-conforming but just a different spin on it. sexually unexclusive would be the only title I could put on my sexuality. I mean come on, it would be kind of arrogant saying that I'm not attracted to girls without getting to know every single girl so I'll leave it there. there's much more I could say on that topic but that's not meant for here but yeah I'm more attracted to guys. tie-dye my own shirts and have been said to have been born three decades too late by my habits and mannerisms. I'm a huge procrastinator when it comes to school but not in other areas usually.I despise the way school is setup and can't stand many classes so I never do as well in school as I could and it angers me but not enough to overcome my annoyance of school so I'm just annoyed and underachieving so I get upset at underachieving so I get annoyed angry and upset when I go to school each day. doesn't help also that I don't like about 75-80% of the kids at my school.I purposefully do random things throughout the day when I get bored just to see what happens next because it would be more interesting than doing the same thing each time. That's good enough for now.

What are you eating, bro?

2008-12-06T05:48:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I left work a normal man. I humbly waited for the the V train to come take me home. After one F train that I missed, it came. I boarded the vessel as myself. It was a long day, so after finding a seat, I nodded off, enjoying the comforts of an outer borough bound train.

Things were going okay, for a while, I had one of those three seaters, sharing it with some rando with a sick jacket. We're rolling up to Queens Plaza and I'm just enjoying my seat when I hear "excuse me", as some frizzled ass Mexican dude squeezes between me and Johnny rando to my right. Johnny immediatelty, I mean like without thinking about it gets up, and leaves me with this dude. I was freaked out for two seconds until I realized that this guy was on some other shit.

He takes out some European style soda can, but homie was not quenching his thirst. He poured out something that resembled loose tobacco, but with some interesting looking gold flakes in it. He daintilly pulled out all of the gold flakes which was amazing and was more amazing when I looked around and saw everyone on our half of the train car was looking at homeboy, wondering what was up his sleeve.

Eventually he got all of the gold flakes out of his quote unquote tobacco that he didn't want before reaching back into his satchel to retrieve a pouch which he unfolded even more daintily then he picked the "gold" flakes out of the "tobacco." Once he finally opened the pouch it revealed beautiful, large green leafs.

As if he could read the surprise/confusion of his fellow riders of the V train, he put the leaf in his mouth to hold it, and reached back into his satchel, this time to pull out a green tupperware, with no writing on it. He carefully scooped the tupperware until a small white solid liquid reluctantly came out.

He spread the white lotion on the leaf, with so much care. Keep in mind he was still sitting right next to me, despite the fact that many people were staring at him and the guy sitting next to him had long ago gotten up.

After sufficiently spreading the mystery cream, he carefully poured the tobacco looking powder onto the lotion covered leaf. Once it was thoroughly deposited on the lotion covered leaf he folded it once, then folded it again, then folded it again, then put it in his mouth and chewed. Hard.

It was at this point the V train reached 65th street. I went home and hung out with Will and then we went out with Jamie and Jason before going to every bar between 54th and 62nd Street. I told them what happened. Jamie encouraged me to get a hot tequila at the taco stand and we played some forty year old guys in pool.

Overnight Contest

2008-12-05T20:32:00.004-05:00

So we're looking for the best fake "Dorito's" brand chip flavor.

Have at it on the comments forum of this post.

We'll evaluate at noon tomorrow.

Day 1: So Far, So Good

2008-12-05T18:18:00.004-05:00

It's been quite a tumultuous first day on Bailout Our Deli. We didn't have anytime to check out our favorite blogs! If you didn't either, here's what you missed:
-Don't fuck with Katherine Heigl
-Bill O'Reilly is retarded
-The Real World: Brooklyn is going to suck
-The youngest Jackson was bid goodbye.
-OJ is going to jail for at least nine years.

Have a great friday, we'll be on here all weekend.

EXCLUSION

2008-12-05T18:03:00.004-05:00

I GOT IN
I GOT IN
I GOT IN
I GOT IN
YOU STUPID FUCKS
I GOT IN
I GOT IN
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN

The People Have Spoken

2008-12-05T17:50:00.004-05:00

Perry: i just really dont get it

Craigslist Fishing Volume 1: The Deli gets a sense of its clientele

2008-12-05T17:08:00.008-05:00

Reply to: sale-946354088@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-05, 2:51PM EST

This item is a MUST have for any serious urban chef. In my house, the kids choose what solid flavors they want (Garlic, chives, wheat cloves) and me and the hubby inject the bird, making it a family affair each time.

But we have an extra flavor injector! I can mail this to you. There's no reason for you not to have this wonderful tool.

I have gotten too many responses, so in your email tell me why YOU think you deserve this fantastic kitchen Must Have!

-Bess

* * * * * *
And it was a hit! New York is hot for Ron Popeil. Here are the first responses!
********
Daph
to sale-946354088
show details 3:55 PM (1 hour ago)
I'm interested. Pls let me know. Ty
I love to cook and i'm always trying to have fun while doing it.. So I'm interested because everytime I do a chicken or any bird. I have to actually pinch it for the flavor to reach. Ty so much

Sent from my iPhone

* * *

I really need the injectors
Inbox X
Wilmer
to sale-946354088
show details 4:10 PM (1 hour ago)
Hi ,I read your post and please tell me if you still have the flavor injectors at
xxxxx@gmail.com I thank you so much.

* * *

FREE RONCO FLAVOR INJECTOR, LIGHTLY USED (Queens)
Inbox X
Neal
to sale-946354088
show details 4:14 PM (57 minutes ago)
Reply
i don't deserve it -- i am a worthless subhuman piece of shit.
thanks for your attention.
--
Neal

* * *

FREE RONCO FLAVOR INJECTOR, LIGHTLY USED
Inbox X
dee
to sale-946354088
show details 4:32 PM (40 minutes ago)
Reply
still available? thanks
dee

* * *

FREE RONCO FLAVOR INJECTOR, LIGHTLY USED (Queens)
Inbox X
xxxxxxx@aol.com
to sale-946354088
show details 4:42 PM (31 minutes ago)
Reply
I Think I deserve the flavor injector, because I enjoy bringing the family together for great times and cooking and eating together allows us to enjoy one another...
***********

So now we know we'll stock some Ronco products once the 35k comes through. Thanks for the help, Craig!

Deli Great Artists Series

2008-12-05T16:58:00.005-05:00

Bailout Our Deli Presents

Great Artists Series

Steve Herbst

Steve "The Whistler" Herbst is a self-proclaimed whistling virtuoso based out of New York City. He is a world champion whistler. Mr Herbst tours around the country, has full-length LPs (check out "Broadway and Beyond" ), has been interviewed by a major national television network news magazine, is featured in several national ad campaigns and even does benefits, bar mitzvahs, weddings and company retreats. This guy is the real deal. Mr. Herbst does not fuck around with whistling.

The most interesting part about Steve Herbst, however, is that he has opted NOT to turn this into his full-time job. Here you have a sickly talented individual who can perfectly (and emotionally) perform Mozart Arias just by puckering his lips and blowing like he had a birthday cake stuck under his nose, and he STILL insists on holding a position as a successful vice president at a prestigious marketing firm (imagine working in HIS office. Every day. Fridays are probably the most grating and callous. He probably flies through secretaries like Stephen King flies through novels about secretaries cutting their ears off because their bosses whistle too much).

Granted, I am assuming that the guy even COULD make a living based solely on his whistling. This is mostly because his website makes it seem like this is entirely plausible. You don't get a spot on a Rockaway Bedding TV ad without having any pull in the business.

It's also probably pretty tough to land a gig at the Kennedy Center without making the big bucks.

Additionally, nobody gets positive reviews from Dino Anagnost, the Musical Director of the Little Orchestra Society, without paying him off. This is a fact known throughout the business of party-trick-professionals and casual performers (also includes people who can make their thumbs look detachable, people who can catch grapes/pretzels/other small food items in their mouths when thrown towards their faces, and generally all assholes who think they're better than you).

Even more remarkable about Mr. Herbst's achievements is the acknowledgement of the existence of world-champion whistlers. Here is a short list of his accomplishments:

2002 International Grand Champion
2003, 2004, 2005 International Whistling Entertainer of the Year Award
Inducted in 2007 into the Whistlers Hall of Fame

Yes, the Whistlers Hall of Fame

The audio samples on Mr. Herbst's Website are in the completely unusable, irritating RealPlayer format, and YouTube only provides one performance and the aforementioned TV news magazine piece. But it's a start.

No matter how mundane you are, you can always take the most normal and ubiquitious of acts and turn it into something extraordinary.

If you're a complete herb.

*UPDATED*- Here's one of the Herbst YouTube vids, enjoy:

NYT Pays Tribute to Famous Amnesiac

2008-12-05T16:12:00.000-05:00

The New York Times has an interesting obituary on an amnesiac viewed for five decades as "the most important patient in the history of brain science."

Henry Gustav Molaison suffered a head injury as a child and developed severe seizures as a result. When doctors removed tissue from his brain, they were able to stop the seizures, but left him with a severe case of amnesia. It's an interesting obituary, check it out here.

Good News/Bad News

2008-12-05T15:59:00.004-05:00

Looks like the DJIA is closing almost 275 points up. Maybe the deli won't need the bailout after all.

On the other hand, it was announced today that 533,000 jobs were lost in November. Will the deli become just another statistic?

Deli User Movie Review: At the Movies with the Delimen

2008-12-05T15:47:00.004-05:00

FEATURE: Blogger Movie Reviews

Due to the economic crisis, we can't afford to do our own movie reviews anymore. We've outsourced to other sites and have selected reviews to help you in the daunting choice of picking the right flick for you and your family during the holiday season.

LAKEVIEW TERRACE TWO THUMBS UP

Blogger and Bailout fan Lilan Bosco says:

I have watch “LakeView Terrace” fantastic movie that has contained lots of action.
Young thoughts and feelings has explored very well. It may get to charts. Not about races. Romance is also included with tender. Lovely movie I watch it on http://www.80millionmoviesfree.com. I got DVD quality movie with easy. Also convert it to Ipod too. Site was grate than I thought.

Hair cut?

2008-12-05T15:30:00.004-05:00

This is an actual conversation that occurred between a woman and her mother in the waiting room of a community music school . They are both older, the mother is around 50 years old, while the mother looks to be a young 75. They sing together in the Community Chorus. After their weekly rehearsal, they
always wait in the lobby for some driver (who's always late) to pick them up. This is a conversation they had this afternoon while waiting.

Woman: I think I developed a cowlick.
Mother: What do you mean?
Woman: Well, I've had hair my whole life, but I've never had a cowlick... ever.
Mother: Do you think it's the way you got your hair cut?
Woman: Well...
Mother: I've noticed that you itch your head a lot, like some kind of cartoon chimp. Would itching your head create cowlicks?
Woman: No, I don't think so. I've just noticed, I mean, I know I've ALWAYS had hair... but no cowlicks.
Mother: Maybe it's the itching.
Woman: What's a cartoon chimp have anything to do with my cowlick?
Mother: Do you think it's the way you got your hair cut?

Fusion Guitar Legend

2008-12-05T15:29:00.008-05:00

Day 1: Things are going well

2008-12-05T15:18:00.004-05:00

Adam: ha
i see it
its retarded
but i'll add it to my google reader
me: no its good

Adam: "good"

i mean its funny

but can you keep it up

my guess is

not

i give it two weeks before will forgets about it and denies ever being involved with it

FOR $ALE

2008-12-05T15:12:00.003-05:00

I HAVE LIQE A BILLION INFINITY SIGNS AND SPIRALS.

I ONLY AQCEPT PAYMENT IN THE FORM OF FRESH, QRISP YING YANGS.

DIG?

GOODBYE GIANET GIAQSON

2008-12-05T15:08:00.005-05:00

Guilty!

2008-12-05T15:01:00.002-05:00

Will: Guilty

on all counts

me: He pleaded guilty

i'm not sold on the fart in the fan, thing

Will: Oh yeah

me: but i guess it's irrelevant

Andrew: Don't give him what he wants!

Will: not corruption

Andrew: Not guilty

Will: THAT'S THE KIND OF THING HE WANTS YOU TO THINK

me: someone order shlimp ro mein

Musings on the Refusal of a Loan

2008-12-05T14:55:00.002-05:00

35.
3-5.
Two numbers.
Just 2.

Is the letter k a tad too harsh
or are you playing
chicken? To whom?

From the man who has it all:
The looks, the smarts, the funny!...

Hon'rd men rarely refuse the opportunity
To aid and assist in wealth,
success,
greed...

Find your heart.
We will take it.

My Local Street Cart food, Why I Fucking Hate it, and Why I Keep Going Back

2008-12-05T13:49:00.010-05:00

A plate of chicken/lamb and rice for $5 is the default choice for any discerning luncher in New York City. It's cheap, you tend to get a lot of food, the guys usually call you "boss", saying you want white sauce AND hotsauce makes you feel powerful, eating the dish is a disgusting and wildly entertaining display of gluttony, etc etc. Halal street food makes you feel full and kingly, like a well fed king.

This is what I see in my dreams. What I see in my lap 2-3 times a week however is a careless, haphazard cock tease. The rice is bland and flavorless. I never ask for the chicken because it's all dried out and has bones and shit in it and the spices are all wrong. The lamb is slightly more tolerable so that's what I ask for, but there is somewhere around a 12.5% probability that the assholes will give me chicken anyway (I am under no impression that they do so accidentally). The hot sauce is not hot at all, in fact I think it's even watered down, the cocksuckers, and the white sauce blows too. AND WHERE'S THE FUCKING GREEN SAUCE ASSHOLE?!?!? The portions are skimpy, and the dude who serves me is grumpy and looks like an old dog with cataracts and gross ass teeth (and he does not call me boss).

Still, this food makes me feel disgusting, which I like, and also usually leads to me spending some serious afternoon time on the can, which I also like. So, you see, I've gotta go.

The Reviews Are In

2008-12-05T13:43:00.000-05:00

ben.siegelman: i like your oj simpson blog

that's my favorite one that anyone's done so far

Matthew: youre opening a deli?

2008-12-05T13:42:00.001-05:00

me: no

were starting a blog

Matthew: then i dont get the deli thing

Thanks to Sue Mittenthal for keeping it real

2008-12-05T13:16:00.003-05:00

me: Am I wrong to assume

that you will give me 35,000 dollars to purchase a deli?

because if you won't....

Sue: you are not wrong

i will transfer the 35 k into your account by the end of the day.

OJ Needs a Bailout

2008-12-05T13:05:00.003-05:00

OJ Simpson has returned from the dead to face sentencing right now for his sports memorabilia fiasco
As I type this I'm watching the sentencing being read by the judge. The volume is down so I can't really hear it, but he looks sad =( and the judge is like wtf. Sucks to be him for real. Remember when we were kids and he would drive his white car on the highway? My parents were like "remember this shit, son." The 90's were cool because like, the internet wasn't that big of a deal so you could go play outside or play pogs. I'm bidding right now on eBay for some CNN anchor pogs with a Larry King slammer. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

2008-12-05T12:50:00.007-05:00

2008-12-05T12:30:00.004-05:00

Father Stephan's Message to Our Readers

And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:

And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six. (666)

Welcome

2008-12-05T12:29:00.001-05:00

me: im adding juicebox as an author

Will: ok

So you know:

2008-12-05T12:25:00.002-05:00

Beautiful Deli For Immediate Sale!!! - $35000 (Right Off The Grand Central Parkway!)

Reply to: sale-944808165@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-12-04, 12:57PM EST

Are you in the market for a once in a lifetime opportunity?
Always wanted to be your own boss? Well here is the chance you haveD been waiting for! Busy deli located right off not one but 2 major highways.
4 Schools within a few blocks walk. The possibilities are endless!
grossed almost $240,000 last year. But because of a family
Health issue must sell at the bottomline price listed. Our family
deli has Its Beer,Stoop And Cigarette license in place all we
would have to do is transfer it over to you! We carry a large
line of Boarshead products as well as make our own specialty
dishes. The rent is resonable as well as a long term lease.
This store wont last long so get on this opportunity right away!
Serious buyers only please.Includes 8 ft Deli Case, 2 Globe Slicers, Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine, 2 Freezers 12 ft Self Serve Coffee Counter, 42 inch Flat Screen TV, Deep Fryer, 4 ft Grill With Hood Toaster Oven, , Electric Oven, Dairy Case, 8 ft Long Beer Cooler, Pepsi & Coke Cooler, ATM Averages About 400-500 Per Month Profit 2 Soup Urns, Ice Cream Freezer, 2 Cash Registers, Full Basement Microwave Oven, Paninni Grill, Equipment Valued at $12,000-$15,000. 5 Year Lease With 5 Year Option $2,600 Rent 3% Increase After 3 Years. Inventory Between $5,000 - $10,000> Teh landlord will require a Credit/Backround check.
he will also ask for a guarantor or a bond to secure the lease.
The price is set and is NOt negoitable!!!
SERIOUS BUYERS ONLY PLEASE!!!!

Father Stephan Orders a Sandwich (part 1)

2008-12-05T12:15:00.004-05:00

Thirty Five thousand dollars later
We were basking in the Ultra Violet Rays of a Miami Olive Loaf
Off the Grand Central Expressway

Jerry sold a Hardboiled Egg,
cleanly and efficiently
eliminating the overhead

Thanks to Gil for the dough
And Steve for the advice:
Stay away from those salty meats, My Friend

We bought drank the profits away before the first business quarter was up.
It was a blast.
Bateman kept the Horny Goat Weed from our counter-display

12:07 PM

2008-12-05T12:07:00.001-05:00

First cup of coffee.
Is that you, Mother?
Computer screen blues.
Crispy cheese sled dogs
walk around Midtown
in handcuffs.

Anonymous Goiter

2008-12-05T11:57:00.001-05:00

Dear Bikini Flossing Fez Manufacturer,

Please to begin a standing ovation of six hairs
Mucinex Baskin Robbins infarction dreidel cowers

Roast white nudget 'O Condor
Claim claim burped mutt

is to hereby statuette
rectangle pubis

the owner

Still in Beta

2008-12-05T11:26:00.000-05:00

Deleterious Filth Viking Priest (for Father Stephan)

2008-12-05T11:22:00.000-05:00

Post-ego spreadsheet Axon reports to
Mid budget fudge salve

A fledgling boss toast meniscus
rattles intercept
floss gerund midriff on
toffee prototype

must wins satchel edge
amid Blitzer gusts polystyrene steakhouse winds

A seven beyond business cocktails
fed outputs patient file mound (ex-Christ)

Besmirch the phantom glisten egg
File anon wax please

Moan economic.

Dead Deli

Darkness

Bruno's on the outside looking in

New Rochelle is a Death Pit

Breaking News

Eye Massaging

Werewolf

Still a long way to go for equal rights

TDK ALL THE WAY

We got a sponsor

More Pictures of Mberenis

Bailout our Artists, Part Deux: Zombie Lincoln

Great. Now how about not-shitty subway ads?

MBerenis Exposed

Trailer for Monday Morning

NVR 4GET

TGIF!!!!11!!!!!!!11!!1!

Craigslist fishing volume 2: Bailout Deli gets a taste of its clientele

NFL: Andy Reid Wheel of Cheese (Not Edible!) (Downtown)

Hold Still Hold Still Hold Still

Everyone Says Please Hold On A Minute

as far as i see it

Arab or Flapper?

Qhirsty Qhursday

Beating A

Looks Like the Auto Bailout's Not Going To Make It....

Mother Nature Does It Best

Sandwich Artists: Steve Cohen

More Financial Work

Qurrent Trends in Bodysuit Research

Upon Doing Our Research:

No Bailout today

Tom Daschle Tapped for Chief Lobbyist of Recently-Nationalized Clothing Giant American Apparel

Iterrobang

Could they bail us out?

Swastika Investsmart

Historic Prices of Swastika

Investsmart

Financials of Swastika Invest

Expert Advice - Swastika Invest

Riley: terrible, made me not want to go back to the blog

Liveblogging Deli Meeting

THE (FUCKING) ENEMY

Mississippi

We hope you had a great day at work and have a lovely evening!

Memories of Something Remembered

With the Winter Approaching

Jesse Jackson Jr. was "Candidate Number 5"

fulfillment

The Best of the Worst of the Internet: Futurama and it's Online Fans

Fran Drescher Tries to Get All Smart and Shit

Notes From The Sports Desk

Son of BK

Pelosi Looks Hungry

Great news!

Bailout Our Deli

Local support is limited for $700B bailout plan - RecordOnline.com ...

Corner Deli: The Bailout: Will the Center Hold?

New York - Russia's oil companies plead for bailout; our oilmen ...

Slumblog Millionaire

Does the Satch Man Need a Bailout???

Bailout Our Governor

Good Morning

MY SRI PAH PHAI LEFTOVERS JUST DEMANDED AN EMERGENCY BAIL OUT FROM MY ASS

Conspiracy Deli

NO ART

Deli Newsdesk: Joe Satriani's Eviscerated <3

Dogs in Clothing: An Epic Poem (1)

Bailout Feature: Sizing up the competition

Why is Wawa Placing Ads on The Times Website?

Caption of the Morning

Bailout our Artists

Believe Me, It's Torture: Christopher Hitchens goes Wake-Boarding

The Satch Man Sues Coldplay

AUTOPLAY IS DEAD; LONG LIVE AUTOPLAY

depression leads to eating disorders

Saturday

basically the same as non-conforming but just a different spin on it

What are you eating, bro?

Overnight Contest