Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Does the Satch Man Need a Bailout???

The Deli Shred Shed Demi God vs. Pugilistic Plagiarizers News Department has been hitting the streets and hittin em hard to satisfy the publics' insatiable demand for information about what is rapidly becoming the Biggest and Most Important Story of our Lifetimes, and hold onto your wraparounds and old lady hats because we have some MAJOR, MAJOR developments in this case.

A concerned fan reports from a recent meet & greet with Professor Satchafunkalis himself and worries that the recent stock market turbulence has dragged him down into the very same destitute muck which houses the foundation of this Blessed Deli. A normally humble and loving man, the once-good Professor went on a lengthy rant about his "fans" downloading his music and tuning their guitars to things other than A = 440. While we agree with him about these upstart dipshits and their senseless, self indulgent string slackening, we here at the Deli know that downloading music illegally is the only way to go (except in the case of an extraordinarily good and emotional bands like Coldplay who deserves to be compensated handsomely for their hard work). Could it be that the Satchman is in need of a bailout, or is there something more sinister afoot than such trifles as the pending decline of Western Society?

Another reliable source pointed us in the direction of this VH1 interview with Coldplay from 2002. Gideon Yago reports;
VH1: You’re always hinting that maybe this might be the last Coldplay record.

Chris: We’ll wait and see. I sometimes think we’re just a one-hit wonder and that’s it for us. Other times I know that it’s not true. Being in Coldplay is what I live for, and I’d be gutted if people didn’t want us around. This is getting depressing! This is going to be on VH1’s 100 Saddest Stories: the day we gave up because no one liked us. Get Joe Satriani to comment on that!

A one hit wonder?!? The man wrote Viva la Vida for fuck's Sake! (Ed. Note: at the time of the interview, the man with the Silver Six String had been writing the song in question for 12 years but would not finish it for another 2). So, Mr. Martin; you call a man washed up though he has his best licks ahead of him, you drive a dagger through his heart by imitating his soulful string bends with your putrid, disgusting voice, you drive his fans to believing that he is a soulless capitalist pig who's moods are determined by nothing more than the fluctuations of the stock market, and you have the gall to expect us not to notice?!?!?! Shame on you, sir. Clearly, Chris Martin is a nasty little pimple head who needs to rip off internationally renowned guitar gods in order to bag his hot-actress wife, while Real Men like Joseph "Satch" Satriani just win the ladies over with their mind-bogglingly-technical-yet-tasteful licks............thus, the question practically asks itself;

Is Chris Martin just jealous of Joe Satriani???????


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