Thursday, December 11, 2008

Tom Daschle Tapped for Chief Lobbyist of Recently-Nationalized Clothing Giant American Apparel

"I don't expect to have to do much," joked Senator Daschle to a select-media appearance on the eve of his official selection. Daschle, who is an odd pick for what many poli-nicks have called the "Palme d'Or" of bureaucratic posts, was surprised when several reporters asked what he thought of the appellations that the post might contribute to his reputation, including "Dancehall Daschle" and "Puckerbutt Gone Butterpuck." Daschle, vocally bewildered, asked for "some sort of translation," ending the conference on a lighter-than-light note.

But many of his Democratic colleagues are not as amused. Senator Leahy of Vermont, a venerable Friday-night disc jockey at the Big Harold's, a stomping ground for Democratic Senators, has seen the selection as a shift in the purpose that buoyed the campaign to victory. "Of course, he's younger than I am," Leahy protested, "But here is a man who has always had one ear on either side of the aisle."

"It's left him deaf to the sounds and the rhythms of popular culture. Might I remind you that he voted against switching back to vinyl in the late 90s? The man is out of touch."

Needless to say, many Republicans were nonplussed by the decision.

"You give a mouse a cookie and he's gonna want to take that cookie and try to divide it amongst his friends and he's gonna come back to you and tell you it wasn't enough and when you tell him the only pre-made dough you got left is the shortbread roll with the santy clause image, he'll say okie doke I'll take that one and you don't have any choice but to put on your apron and crumble some godiva curls on it when you're done," explained Mitt Romney.

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