Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Slumblog Millionaire

Money-Making Tips During The Great Recession

During these hard times, the national news media is leading you to believe that it's more difficult than "usual" to make an extra buck or two. We are constantly being bombarded with reports of crashing markets, staggeringly large unemployment reports and more billion-dollar-bailouts in what seems to be an endless cycle of misery, poverty and destruction. You, as an avid Deli reader, know that Murdoch, Turner and the bunch are filled to the brim with fresh-off-the-farm horseshit and have nothing better to do than to throw it at you in an effort to scare you into keeping those beautiful peepers glued to their 24-hour networks. In reality, times are just the same as they've always been. People are doing the same stupid things they always have in order to make a few extra clams on the side. Don't be fooled by the newsmakers: you CAN keep your head above water during these "tough economic times." Just do what people have always done:

Write a Fucking Novel
Please get off your ass and go do something with yourself. You're unemployed, you're young, you're virile, and you are teeming with ideas. Go to a public space, get some coffee and write down everything you know. Bind it. Boom: you've got yourself a bestseller. People do this all the time. Every day you're surrounded by published authors, columnists, critics and reporters who make money off of their bullshit ideas. You obviously have the means to type down your thoughts, seeing as you're reading the myriad of bullshit that rolls around in MY head right now on a computer with an internet connection and a keyboard and some free text editing software. So stop reading this pointless list and go do something with yourself, you pathetic, degenerate shithead.

Make It Big
You are really, really, REALLY, funny. Not just like, funny, but like actually marketably funny. This, of course, only compliments your brilliance and good nature. You also happen to be an extremely talented musician, film maker, author (see above), and/or painter. So stop dicking around and just make it big already. This is fairly easy to do. Lots of people are doing it. Mark Zuckerberg is like 25 or whatever and he's worth 1.5 Billion United States Dollars because he created a website that lets me look at pictures of the kid who used to beat me up when I was six on a daily basis while he celebrates his "22 B*DAY IN NYC!!!" I had no idea he'd put so much care into gelling his hair this far down the line. 1.5 Billion Fucking Dollars! You could bail out a deli or two with that money!

Start a Sustainable Farm
With Barack Obama promising a broad, sweeping change in the economic and environmental policies of our nation, one thing is certainly clear: Green is in. Whether it's cutting back on your driving, re-using bags at the supermarket, putting solar panels on your roof, buying LED lights for your christmas tree (but still keeping your them on for 24 hours) or carrying around your "Not A Plastic Bag" bag to make sure everyone ELSE knows that you're being green, there are hundreds of ways to make sure you help ensure the future of our planet. I, for one, certainly want to make sure my children and grandchildren are around to deal with the clusterfuck of economic and social problems we're just beginning to deal with. The best way to be green (and make money off of it) is to start a sustainable farm. Even us urban dwellers can get in on the action. Start a farm, grow some shit, then sell it on the internet. Yes, it IS that easy. The sooner you start, the sooner you can make money off the students at Oberlin, Wesleyan, Vassar, Bennington, Reed, Pomona, etc. They'll eat that shit up (for a ludicrously high price. Be sure to advertise your food as being extra rich in antioxidants.)

Start an Online Store in a Virtual Universe
More people are playing MMORPGs (Massively-Multiplayer-Online-Role-Playing-Games) these days than ever before. Games like Second Life and World of Warcraft have become cesspools of ignorance for nerds and idiots who have nothing better to do than to pretend they're not actually sitting at their computers. Even Barack Obama got in on the action, campaigning in Second Life's alternate (fake) universe in an (successfully, it seems) attempt to get the "I can't tell you what it looks like outside today but I'm still old enough to vote" vote. People get so into these games that they set up REAL stores for FAKE goods, such as fake real estate, fake powerups, fake weapons and fake lifestyles. I propose you set up a fake store and sell REAL goods such as, say, oh I don't know, sustainably grown organic produce. No mage or paladin should be functioning on foodstuffs rich in preservatives.

Get Sponsored to be in Your Own Facebook Pictures

1 comment:

secretminisiteturnkeyformula said...

Great blog!!
I luv the photos where do you find them?

-Dusty Crawford