Sandwich Artists: Steve Cohen

There's something remarkable happening in our post-9/11, post-Katrina, post-Blagojevich, post-Blitzer, post-hologram, pre-Obama world. Our national economy has completely crumbled to the ground, the stock market is as reliable as ConEd, and our politicians have the credibility of a DVD salesman at the West 4th F Train. And yet, despite everybody being bombarded with every warning sign that people could possibly have, it seems that people are STILL SPENDING MONEY. Sales may be down, but sales still exist, which is remarkable and silly. Perhaps most silly, however, is just what some of these ultra-rich-recession-proof consumers are buying these days. The obvious items are still flying off of shelves: Flat-Screen TVs, Video Games, Automated Massage Chairs, etc. But then there's this:

Steve Cohen: The Millionaire's Magician

What you're about to experience is based in 100% truth. There are no tricks, there's no smoke and mirrors, there are no hidden passageways and there are no camera tricks. Steve Cohen is making millions of dollars performing elementary magic for rich people in the Waldorf-Astoria. Every fucking night. Let's take a closer look.

Steve Cohen's Website

Mr. Cohen is a very confusing man. He is clearly very, VERY good at what he does. He performs magic in close quarters for people who can pay the price to see a magician perform his act not just in a suit, but in a suit with a vest. If you watch his CBS Morning piece, you'll see that he has lots of impressive tricks, like taking two rings seperate wedding and fusing them together. In front of your eyes. This is magic that is so advanced it's usually reserved for other assholes who grew up under the "spell of the illusion" and go on to perform for four-year-olds who can't tell the difference between "magic" and a "bologna sandwich."

So yes, Mr. Cohen has decided to cater to those who can discern between a magic trick and a piece of food, i.e. people with developed brains who are able to make logical deductions. Or so you'd think. Part of Mr. Cohen's shtick is openly admitting that he's tricking people into feeling like they're being tricked. Anybody who does any research on Steve Cohen in hopes of hiring him will surely come upon an article that praises his ability to steal money from idiots. His greatest trick is NOT pouring different liquids out of the same kettle, but rather sucking up the money of the rich to perform a child's act.

Steve Cohen gets flown around the world in private jets so that he can do card tricks for rich people. The wealthy, it seems have an extreme desire to see good, quality magic. Why? What is it about the art of illusion that so entices the upper 1%? Are their lives filled with so much reality that they have no other outlet they can use to escape from it? What ever happened to that 50" plasma TV they bought at Best Buy? With nowhere left to turn after weeks of managing money, funds, stocks, TV shows, real estate, or whatever it is these people do, it just doesn't seem like a nerdy well-dressed magician is the first logical place to go for rest and relaxation. Steve Cohen has CREATED this niche, providing the wealthy with a service they didn't know they wanted in the first place. They want their lives to disappear.

Plus look at him he looks like such a douchebag

Steve Cohen is one complex mixture of meats, cheeses, vegetables and bread. This guy is the full package without you even knowing what the full package is. He gathers the rich in a small, enclosed area with no windows where all they have to look at is themselves, their wives, their children, and deception. You gotta give the people what they want. Fuck this guy.